The week that was

For most of the past week I've been in "nurse" mode as I took care of Belle. She had a migraine start Sunday morning of last week, and then over the course of the next few days it ramped up to full blitz migraine and then it took another couple days for the effects of the migraine to subside enough for her to really get back on her feet. Those are without a doubt the worst kind because instead of hitting and being gone, it does a slow build up, knocks you out, and leaves you recovering for a couple days.

So I've been busy taking care of kids, meals, working, and taking care of my dearest. In some strange way I think the week did take a toll on me physically as well, because by Friday night I had a headache and fell asleep by 9:30PM (that is really early for me). It could have been that or the coma that Belle put me in on Friday when she decided to bake me the best pecan pie in the whole wide world. I was nice and I did share some of it with the family (atleast 4 slices was eaten by someone other than myself). If you know me at all, I am very good at sharing but I REALLY HATE sharing my pecan pies. *mine mine mine* *growls*

By Saturday morning I was feeling better after a wonderful night sleep that included some really great cuddles. The plan for Saturday was pretty simple. I was going to a neutral site and visit with Kit for the day to catch up as friends, while Belle hung out with the kids at home watching movies and the like. Well shortly after I got out of my shower I heard my phone beeping at me, which is really odd as I was expecting anything. At first I assumed it was Kit checking up on me, but nope, it was Mom calling to say she was in town for the day. My parents live about 2 hours away and come into town for horse shows and horse sales, but they never come by the house to see us. So Saturday morning as they were driving into town I get the voicemail letting me know they were here and wanted to see us. I called Mom back to let her know I already had plans and that Belle was still recovering from a migraine (ala didn't want parents just showing up at my house and forcing Belle to play host without me). The horse sale was supposed to go for a while so I told them maybe we could catch up for dinner that evening before they headed back assuming they didn't decide to leave earlier.

Off I went to catch up with Kit, and the drive went so fast that even after leaving nearly 20 minutes late, stopping to get gas, etc. I was still 5 minutes early. The cafe opened at noon so I hung out in the Jeep until it opened. I gave Kit a call to find out her ETA, and it seemed she was running late as well (she needed to get gas as well). I come in a secure a corner booth with the idea of being out of the way. Within 15 minutes the place was packed and we were surrounded by several people. My plan was in case she started talking about why things were not going any further I wanted to have enough privacy to actually talk. To make a long story much shorter, the conversation never really went there. We chatted about much more generic stuff that friends usually talk about. We had a great meal and spent nearly 4 hours just talking with brief moments of quiet to actually eat something. I was quite happy with how the day had turned out (minus all the rain) to that point. We headed outside to say goodbye and I gave her a hug, which led to like 4 more hugs before I finally got her into her Jeep. The whole time we were standing there in the rain. I could tell she didn't want to say goodbye and leave, but I really wanted to keep things on good terms and I was trying to wrap up so I can make it home to see my parents.

The drive home was a bit faster than the drive there as I wasn't having to read directions so much. I got some really great texts along the way from Belle which was really very sweet. I got back home at nearly 5:30 which is 30 minutes earlier than originally planned. I had barely kissed Belle when my phone started ringing. Mom was calling to say they were tired and cold, so they were heading home. So I'm hoping that maybe next Saturday we can go visit with them, just not sure at this point. Within a minute of hanging up with Mom, I get two texts from Kit (she has not sent a single text to me in almost a month and now I'm getting two). The first text was a clothed picture of her breast, and the second was an actual smiling face shot. The face shot was cool since I had been giving her a hard time for having such a dark picture on her Facebook profile. But why the other picture? It just made no sense to me at all.

So as Belle and I are sitting in the family room talking about the afternoon and pictures, Kit starts IMing with Belle via Facebook. Based on what Belle shared with me, the conversation was very erratic and just weird. So after a few minutes I finally logged to check my email etc. I already had an email from Kit asking to talk to me. So I ping her to chat for a minute. She basically wanted to say thank you and hope things were not weird because of how things ended (ala all the hugging). I reassured her things were good and just ignored the photos other than to say that I had actually received them. Then a few minutes later, Kit asked Belle to ask me if she should change clothes before going shopping. I was still online and she had just been asking me, so not sure why she asked Belle to relay the question to me. But then why ask me about what to wear? I get the whole D/s concepts of TPE, but that is not our relationship so why ask me what to wear to go shopping later? The only rational thought that Belle and I could come up with is "co-dependent" which is a damn scary thought to me.

I'm most likely going to have to create some distance between us for a while so things can ebb back into more friendship conversations. There were already way too many conversations over the course of the week of why things were staying at friends only. I've reassured her in just about every way possible that it had nothing to do with her, other than the very simple fact that she is married. But I swear the more we talk, the more I get a feeling that she taking clingy/needy to extremes in a whole different world. I've tried talking and talking, being as straightforward, honest, and even down right blunt as I can be. I just think that I'm to a point where creating distance is about the only way for things to simmer back down. At the end of the day, I just keep seeing drama coming into the mix if I don't. And I don't need more drama in my life. Then again, who does?

Blog Awards

That Rockin Chick, Amorous Rocker gave me an award! It is always great to see other people read what you have to say and then enjoy it enough to actually give you recognition. She is a great person and I really do enjoy reading her blog.

Here are the rules:“These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award.”

Here are the recipients of the award from me: (there may be duplicates but these are the blogs that I really enjoy reading)

Holly

Sadie

ASM

Hubman

M (now private)

Angie and Mike

Southern Vixen

Amorous Rocker (not trying to create a cycle but she does deserve another one)

Another ending

A few posts ago, I was talking about the "affair" and how things were going there. Kit and I spent a couple of weeks talking and reconnecting. Things got moving pretty darn fast atleast from my perspective. During the middle of it, Belle and I hit a road bump that we were able to work through pretty well. That actually caused me to take time to think some more on that relationship and see if more talking could help me with it. As I noted before, she is married and has been for almost 11yrs and has been faithful during that time. So that was causing me some turmoil because I didn't know how I felt about it but I did know I wanted to be there for her in any way I could but at the same time I didn't want to be the cause for their marriage to deteriorate. If not for me, I don't know that she would have been willing to cheat and see someone else, but it was due to our history and the past history that we had that was driving us down that path.

The more we talked, I really started to understand the level of love she had for me. There are alot of feelings there and I'm not able to reciprocate at that level, now or ever. That began to weigh on my mind as well because as such a great friend, I did not want to hurt her or build her hopes of something more when I knew well in advance that what I could offer was limited.

After a few more talks, this little voice in my head start screaming but I wasn't really listening too well, as I was really too caught up in the bliss that is Belle and I. Well, this past weekend Belle and Bro got away for a weekend together which gave me some time to think. I was originally scheduled to drive down and deliver a desk to her house on Saturday but earlier in the week that got moved to Sunday due to her work scheduled. Then Sunday it was potential for rain and even some snow flakes. Well the later in the day it got on Saturday, the more I kept thinking that I really didn't want to drive down there. (As you can tell from previous post, I love to drive so it was not the drive itself) I was almost hoping it would rain so I couldn't make the drive, and then I was coming up with back up plans for excuses like my daughter not feeling well (and she hadn't been on Friday and Saturday morning but was better by Saturday afternoon). I woke up early on Sunday morning and didn't see any rain, but now my shoulder was hurting like hell (I'm thinking stress related but who knows). That is when it hit me like a ton of bricks. It wasn't the drive or going to see her that bothered me. It was simply the fact that I couldn't go through with having a relationship beyond friends with her. I couldn't be that guy that started her down the road of being unfaithful, and potentially the guy that broke her heart twice. I didn't want to use her even though I sure she would have been ok with that because she really just wanted to be with me. But that is not fair to her and in the end would have probably destroyed our friendship which means more to me than any tryst.

So Sunday morning she caught me online, and I laid it all out to her. She had a ton of questions and was very confused that it happened like it did. But I did everything to answer them and reassure her it was me having issues going forward and it was no reflection on her. I really do care about her and just can't go there. I do have a feeling she may try to persuade me to change my mind but I'm confident that its the best decision for me and anything else would just be a bad idea for everyone.

That is not the end of the story as it were. We already had plans to meet up somewhere for long lunch this coming weekend, and the plan is to still meet with the understanding we are just friends. I really hope she can leave it at just that and its an enjoyable day of just talking about old times and a nice lunch. We have talked about other things where her and her husband join my family for an afternoon in the area we live in, but if this meeting doesn't go so well, that will have to be nixed. My life has enough built in drama, I don't need anymore.

My plan, and I hope to stick to it. Just take things slow, and not go out really pursuing other options too quickly. The way things have gone with GF and now Kit, I need a mental break before trying this again. Its almost too funny how different those two are, one won't start and the other won't stop.

They are the we of me.

They ARE the we of me. All apologies to Carson McCullers. And I'm not entirely using that the way she did. Frankie ends the book (Frankie, F. Jasmine, whatever you wanna call her) not completely happy with the whole we of me concept. But for me? They (Shad and the Dom) are my we. I belong when I'm with the two of them. They complete me.

We're in this amazing state right now. For all the scary emotion of Shad's last two posts, things are in this magical place for our little triangle. That which does not kill you makes you stronger, maybe? I'm not sure. But I do know that we have these little moments of complete peace right now. Complete synchronicity. We ebb and we flow. And we balance. And the beauty of it; it's not the lull before the storm, it's the rain washed freshness after. Where the landscape is altered, and little twigs lie littered all about. Here and there are gouges and scars, but you don't see them. You see the little bits of life peeking through the rubbish. You see the fresh scrubbed paths where it's been all grubby and dingy for months. You see the little things gone dormant and never shared. Misplaced. Forgotten. The little smiles hidden away in a forlorn existence, ready to burst forth and giggle at the simplest suggestion. You can smell it in the air. It's not spring. It's a cold snap here in our corner of the sunny south. But right now, I feel so alive, so refreshed, it could be the first break in a 40 year frost.

Right now, I belong. We three are golden. I know it's ephemeral and won't be this way forever. I know you can't survive on this kind of bliss alone. But I also know it won't be the last time I'll feel this way. Things will ebb and flow...floods will come and go. There will be icy days here and there, and short summer storms... But we know this place. We dream of it. And when the sun wanes and the storms come again, we'll seek it out. We'll come back. We will fill up on the bliss and take on another challenge. It's what we do. It's how our hearts beat. We reach and strive and suffer gladly for this. For these golden moments. For this collective breath in the sun.

They are the we of me.


Belle

Valentines Day

See previous post for the start of the day (if you really want to, not the best part of the day). We finally got Valentines day started around 1PM Saturday. For over a week we had been planning to do our own fondue dinner together at home. So on Friday, we spent a few hours going to different grocery stores getting all the ingredients that we needed to make it just perfect. Well there was still a few things we had not gotten as of Saturday afternoon. So after some Mexican food to hold us over until our late dinner, we went to finish our grocery shopping. Around 4:30 to 5PM we finally got back home and I started by unloading the van. Soon enough we have everything set for the activities to happen later that evening.

At this point, I take some time to send Kit a Valentines e-card (Belle was encouraging me to make sure I got this taken care of, to see how big this was, go read the previous post). We both took a little down time at this point and said our Happy Valentines to Bro as well. Then we it was time to start our dinner prep work and the kids special valentines dinner.

Belle made the kids sandwiches on raisin bread with marshmallow fluff and Nutella sauce, with a side of fresh mango, and a mix macadamia nuts, dried fruit, and chocolate chip. Then for dessert was a Oreo no bake pie that I got to make. After the kids were done with dinner, I hurried them off to bed. Once the kids were tucked in, it was time to "dress" for the evening.

I picked out this beautiful pink nightie for Belle, and I went with dorky (red shorts and a t-shirt from Bro that talked about getting crabs *grins*) Of course we took some pics of me holding the nightie in front of me, and then in my final outfit. We sent those to Bro and GF for a laugh. Then Belle put her apron back on over her nightie and we got busy making the first course of the night.
As part of the setup, I moved the table from the kitchen into the living room, in front of the couch. Then Belle setup some candles on the front edge of the table. I picked out a couple of movies for us to watch. After the previous few days we needed comedy and something we have seen before so we didn't spend so much energy watching the movies. The selection for the evening was a double-header. Legally Blonde, and Legally Blonde 2. Shortly after the movie selection we realized we might not have enough garlic for everything we were cooking (we are HUGE garlic fans), so I ran out to the store to pick up some garlic. While there I debated on picking up a single rose for her, but Bro had already sent roses, and it just seemed like it was not necessary. So I decided to be a REAL dork and I bought a lottery ticket for her. I figured with the way things had gone this day, I felt lucky. So I used the only cash I had on me to buy her a ticket with 5 numbers on it. (She ended up winning $50 back on the ticket, where we reinvested $10 into another ticket and the rest went into her art fund).

The first course was an amazing salad (Panzanella) that had fresh mozzarella, tomatoes, red onions, homemade croutons, and a glaze to die for.

The second course was probably our least favorite of the evening, but I was being brave and crazy and trying something new to me. It was a cheese fondue that we borrowed from Melting Pot. It is called the Wisconsin Trio. The part that pushed it from good to just being ok was the Blue Cheese. I've never eaten Blue Cheese before and when we have eaten at Melting Pot, we believe we actually substituted another cheese for it before. But I did try it and probably ate more of it than Belle did, but it was definitely the least favorite of the entire meal.

For the main course, we did a Coq au Vin base fondue. We added thinly sliced mushrooms as well. Then we had spicy tequila lime shrimp, balsamic steak, mojito chicken, and teriyaki pork as the meats for cooking in the base. We added potatoes, beef ravioli, and portabella mushrooms. And the best part of this course, Belle made her own versions of the sauces from the Melting Pot from various recipes. Green Goddess, Gorgonzola Port, Teriyaki Glaze, Curry Mustard, Parsley and Garlic infused butter. We both really loved the steak as probably the best of the meats. The shrimp left a bit to be desired, but we are chalking that up to size and season for the shrimp.

For dessert, we did a Smores Chocolate Fondue. Our recipe was a bit different as we added some additional items like more marshmallow fluff, some Baily's and we left out the actual graham crackers. For dippers, we had angel food cake, marshmallows dipped in Oreo crumbles, pineapples, strawberries, and slice of cheesecake.

The way the evening went once the kids were in bed. We would prepare a course together in the kitchen, then we'd set the table in the living room. We would sit back with the movie playing, and enjoy the current part of the meal we were on. We would take breaks in between courses to make sure that we didn't get too full too fast. Plus it was great just sitting there together. After each course, we would clear the table and I would proceed to wash any dishes needed for the next course while Belle started the prep work. And it continued like this from about 8:30PM until nearly 1:30AM when we finished dessert. I snuggled up in Belle's arms for the ending of the second movie (which we both fell asleep on). We finally awoke a little after 2AM and headed up to bed. We snuggled up close to finish on what was the greatest, most amazing, and romantic evening we have ever spent together.

Almost forgot to include this, but the gifts that we gave each other were shared over the course of the week. The first gift given was by me to her, a small container of watch parts and gears. She uses these to do her steampunk art. She has been needing some of these so I wanted to support her interest. Then the next day I got a set of Guinness glasses with the matching ice bucket. I am a HUGE Guinness fan/lover. The darker the beer, the better for me. And it goes with my Guinness mirror that I have for when we redecorate the formal living room into a social lounge area. On Friday once it was determined that her last and hopefully best part of her gift was not going to make it on time (damn postal service), I went ahead and told her about it. Its a Leather Bound edition of Jane Austen: The Complete Novels, Deluxe Edition (Library of Literary Classics). She is a HUGE book fan, especially of the classic literature. Then she sent me to the garage to find where she hid the last part of my gift. It was a set of salad/pasta bowls that I had been wanting. Currently they are basic white, but she is going to personalize them with some of her artwork using ceramic paint. We got to use the bowls for dinner that evening. It was just so awesome. Just in case everyone reading didn't realize it, I'm a really big dork and love stuff like that. *grins*

I hope everyone had an amazing Valentines Day. Peace and Love to all.

An affair

There has been so much going on over the past two weeks that I don't even quite know where to start but let's see if I can find get all of this out of my head in such a way that at least someone other than myself can understand it.

The last time I posted anything, I was going to take it easy and not spend any efforts on looking for a new partner. So that resulted in me talking to some new and old friends. While talking with friends and finding someone I can talk to when I'm having troubles talking to Belle or Bro and I just need to vent. This in some odd way resulted into a couple of things happening. First we found some old wounds that Belle had not shared. I think I've spent some time talking about this before but in my past I was a very different person. I had alienated my wife for many years with a very passive aggressive attitude towards her. I'm not quite sure why I was like that, maybe it was stress, immaturity, or the fact we are such different people (possibly some of all three). Over the past year or so, I have changed significantly. I've lost my passive aggressive attitude. I'm able to be completely supportive of my wife in everything that makes her who she is (ala her art, the love of dying her hair colors not found in nature, the need to be go to the beat of her own drummer, etc.). But the hard part with all of that, she has only in the past few months been able to really enjoy and reveal in the "new" me as it were. So when I was being supportive of friends in the ways I had not been with her for so very long (think many years), it triggered some old hurt, anger, resentment, etc. And honestly, it was all very well justified. No I should not pay for my past sins forever but I respect the fact that my wife needs more time of having this to herself before I share it with others.

So what became of that, we have learned that we still have some layers of issues that still need work but because we have some so far and now share a love stronger than at any other point in our life, it is well worth the periods of time when we hit a nerve as it were. So we have spent a couple of weeks really bonding, talking in depth about our feelings, and just being. We both have tendencies to over analyze things to extremes, and forget to some times just enjoy what we have and just be, no discussions/analysis etc. So we have learned how to just BE. It has been a very amazing journey that I'm not sure would have been possible if you had asked me just a few months ago.

This is where Kit comes into the picture. I had found an old friend via Facebook a month or so back and we had been chatting periodically. We have known each other about 14.5 years. There were 4 years where we were just friends, another year where we were friends, lovers, and confidants. Then we both got married and we only saw each other about a dozen times over the next 4 years. Then for the past almost 5.5 years we had not talked at all. Then all of a sudden there she was on FB and we were able to catch up and talk again. You know that kind of friend where no matter how long it has been, you can immediately just pick up where you left off and keep on talking. Soon enough we found ourselves talking more frequently and then one evening she brings up the past. At this point, as a way to reassure her that Belle is cool with our past, I decide to share the fact that Belle and I have an Open Marriage (additional thoughts to share on that later). She was actually the first friend that I have confided in about my marriage. So we began talking more, and I was explaining more about what an open marriage meant etc.

After several conversations with her, I was laying in bed talking with Belle talking about the state of things and where I saw it going. Based on conversations up to that point I told Belle we were taking it slow and letting things develop. At that point I did confess to Belle that Kit was someone I could find myself loving. Just given our history together, and how much I have always cared for her as my friend I knew it was a possibility. Up to this point, I've been very skeptical if I could actually love any one else as more than just a friend. I do share openly about myself and I care for people, but actually loving someone is not always an easy thing for me as it were. I am very bad to hold in ALOT of my emotions.

So over the next few days, more conversations were had with Kit (IM and Phone). She was showing a definite interest in reconnecting and letting things grow beyond just being friends. So we started looking for a time when we could meet and spend time together doing just such. Therefore we have a Saturday in late February where we plan to meet and spend the day catching up and just reconnecting. This is difficult because she is married and well he doesn't know. He still views us as "brother and sister" type friends, so we are leveraging that to atleast get some time alone together.

One evening we were talking, probably for atleast 3 hrs over IM and talking about the past and our emotions towards each other. Those emotions had been boxed up so neatly for so very long. When we went beyond friends years ago, it was agreed that we were friends and sometimes we "helped" each other out, but we are still friends. Well all of that bonding led to us saying, "love ya" as we signed off on IMs that night. At first it was kinda surreal in my mind, mostly that I said it myself. But about this same time, Belle was having some issues of her own so I had kinda shut down my brain/emotional bank and was putting all my energies into making her feel better. By Wednesday night (late, like 2AM), Belle had her issues resolved and my brain switched back on.

So by Thursday morning I was getting comments from Belle that I seemed distant, which usually means I'm thinking way too much but not sharing what I'm thinking or feeling. So instead of keeping all those feelings buried deep inside of me, and because things between Belle and I were so great, I started spewing my brain out (atleast to me it seemed like I was). I was talking about how difficult it was to manage or comprehend caring about two people so much within my own head. The problem was, I was not sharing enough details about what was going on between Kit and I. Because of our need for transparency this was starting to set off fire alarms with her. Because of other life things going on, Belle was busy most of the day Thursday. So I ended up spending part of my afternoon talking with Kit online since she was off work early that day. It was another very deep bonding time, and again the I love you were shared. Thursday evening is normally when Bro, Belle, and myself get together to watch our favorite TV shows that we have recorded for the week. (by get together, we turn on the cams, get on the phone, and watch our shows in sync together, so its a very virtual together) Because Kit was still wanting to talk more, I brought my laptop to the living room with me to talk while we watched TV. (there is a precedence for this as Belle usually has her laptop with her when she watches TV, for things like playing a game etc. Its a concentration thing)

So I spent the evening watching TV and bonding with Kit some more. After a comment or two from Belle about me not really watching TV, I started trying to focus on the TV more and less on talking but that wasn't going so well. By the time I had sent Kit to bed and Bro had signed off I knew that Belle was unhappy about something. So instead of leaving it alone, I started asking her questions. I knew I had not done a good job balancing my attentions that evening, but figured I could just leave my laptop in my office in the future to avoid the issue. Unfortunately it seemed there were still other things eating at Belle so we started talking even more in depth. We all have irrational fears that live inside our heads that eat at us from time to time. This was a night of when hers were really bothering her, so I attempted to reassure of things. But the real problem was, Kit had asked me not to share what we had been talking about. Not thinking about the time, I agreed to that since the info at the time was specific to Kit and not related to me or our relationship together. Because I was not able to tell Belle any details this was just making things worse. Then out of the blue, Belle asked if we had exchanged I love yous. I confessed that it has occurred, and that is when things got rather rocky for us both. At this point, she felt betrayed by me because I had not been up front and shared this much sooner. I was caught flat footed because at this point I was still trying to get my head around what was happening between Kit and myself. The root of the issue was poor timing (the week of Valentines, and during the middle of the strongest bonding period that we had in a our lives together, and the speed at which the other relationship was going. Toss in the fact I was having a hard time talking about things with Belle, we have WWIII).

(NOTE from BELLE: I just wanted to add here.....part of the issue was timing, yes, but also the mindset I had. As he said, he wasn't telling me much of what was going on, because of the request. I was asking how things were, what was up, what were they discussing for hours on end, and essentially getting, "just stuff. catching up on the past, talking about what she's been up to the past few years...." Coupled with "I don't know where this is going to go. We're taking it slow. I don't know if it's even a possibility." And the kicker...."She's someone I COULD love." And I was very much okay with that. I thought I had time to get my head in the right space for it. Could was potential. It was not in my face at 2 am and being forced to deal with right then and there. And that's where timing came in. I wasn't thinking he could be getting that deeply involved, that quickly with someone "new" (past not withstanding) while we were bonding the way we were, right before Valentine's Day. I had been pushing The Dom away a bit to work on the issues at hand, and we were planning this amazing day. So when I found out, I was seriously blindsided. Between the timing and my ignorance of where things stood and were progressing to, and how quickly, it preyed on a lot of insecurities that my rational mind can push aside. And I think on some level, I felt like her feelings were being chosen over mine. That it was okay to make promises to her that ran contrary to our mantra of sorts. Almost everything accomplished in the last year in our marriage and understanding has come back to this one word. Transparency. The thing we put in place so that feelings wouldn't get pinched, hearts wouldn't get cracked... All of those things together...and well....you get Hurricane Belle. (You get Hurricane Belle when you go to strip clubs without telling her, get drunk, can't drive home and won't tell her where you are at 3 am, too, BUT that's another story. The point being...He's seen Hurricane Belle before, survived that one as well, and knows at the end of the day I love him dearly and will work through things, no matter what it takes.) I love him. And I think the world of Kit. There's a past there that brings a lot of insecurity to the forefront. But that past is what makes her understand the parts of him I don't so well.)

The more Belle talked the more I realized what I had done. By not sharing things sooner and by agreeing to not share certain things with Belle at Kit's request, I had essentially been having an affair. Once that sunk in, I began to feel like the most miserable, sorry ass SOB that you can imagine. We would spend until almost 4am going back and forth that night. Then things got going again shortly after the kids were at school the next morning. She was very angry and hurt by the fact I was not sharing with her, and the fact things had been moving so fast with Kit. She was now not sure if my happiness was because of her or because of how things were going with Kit. All of this doubt was creeping in and causing things to get worse. I kept trying to explain the different levels of love as I perceive them. I have basic love for my friends, then special love for my family and really special people in my life. And then I have, in love, which is where I have given my heart and soul to her. The only love that could even come close to that is the love for my kids and parents, but those are in such different ways that you can't compare the two. During the day we would get to the points where things seemed like they were getting better, but then we would have another blow up. All of this was rattling around in Belle's head causing the anger to reappear. So during the day, I sent an email to Kit explaining that Belle and I came as a package, and there could be no secrets between us. And by me agreeing not to share things with Belle left me in position where I was then forced to lie to one of them, because Belle and my agreement to be transparent requires no secrets. There came a point late Friday night that the secrets were starting to tear Belle and I apart, so I broke down and shared a summary of the things that Kit and I had been talking about to help her understand and start the rebuilding process. Because I had realized that my wife had to always be put first and such I took a chance that Kit would understand even though I didn't have a response back from her at this point. Later that evening, we got to a point where I thought things were going to be ok. At that point I was cuddling next to her on the couch, and fell asleep. (by this point I had slept about 12hrs over the past 3 days) But during the night as we slept, Belle would reach out for me but then pull back away. So when I was awaken by the kids around 7am Saturday morning (Valentines day), I was feeling so much guilt, pain, and absolutely hating myself for what I had done to her. And I still had not shared the details of what had taken place on Thursday. So I laid there in bed just feeling horrible for the next couple of hours while she slept, and it was a very angry sleeping. Her breathing would get very deep and fast for periods of time. When she finally woke up, the gates of hell broke open. She was still so upset and unable to get all of this out of her head. She was getting more angry by the second, and I thought my only option was to agree to halt things between Kit and I (ie anything beyond being friends). But after a couple hours of talking, she understood how I felt and why things had been so hard for me as well. And then I finally just exploded with all the significant details I could recall in some hopes of salvaging my marriage (atleast that is how I felt at that point). Soon enough we were laying there and she started by talking about how I must have felt when Bro and her were getting together. This led to more discussions instead of screaming. She didn't want me to end things with Kit, but she needed to know that Kit understood our need more transparency and that Belle was always going to come first in my life. Things got to the point that we finally connected so well that we made love. This gave me hope that Valentines Day had some chance to be salvaged at this point.

After getting downstairs, I checked my email and thankfully I had gotten a response back from Kit that night that she understood my position and did not want me to feel like I was having an affair. This just lifted a boulder off my shoulders and I started to breath again. Belle and I were starting to rebuild and Kit was going to remain apart of my life.

I also want to say, that during all of this Bro was kinda kept out of the loop, but did such an amazing job of being there to support both Belle and I during the periods of time when we were talking with him. He is such an amazing friend (ala why he is my Bro).

For the rest of Valentines Day, see next post.

Pain....oh glorious Pain!

OK, by most all accounts I have a very high threshold for pain. Right now I'm fucking miserable. This past Friday I woke up in a kink in my neck and took some inflammatory meds I had to help calm it down which it seemed to after a couple of days. By Monday I was feeling much better and all was great until Wednesday evening. While snuggled up watching TV with Belle (and Bro via phone/cams) I noticed my neck and shoulder were a bit tight/sore. As I tried to sleep through the night it just kept getting worse, to the point I started taking pain killers at 6AM. Any and all attempts to sleep were just futile. Every small motion of my head results in a very sharp stabbing sensation in my neck and shoulder.

Where does this pain reside at, along the right side of my neck starting behind my ear, down to my shoulder, across my shoulder, deep inside the shoulder, down my right arm to the elbow and back up across the shoulder blade. So I decided being its a Friday I would go see the doctor to make sure all is well and get something to relax the muscles. I got some stronger inflammatory meds and muscle relaxers and came home for a nap (the drugs make you drowsy so why fight it eh?). After a two hour nap, I feel just as bad if not worse and these fucking muscle relaxers really really really really suck. I didn't have expectation of instant fix but I sure did expect some relief.

So now I sit waiting for the doctor to call me back with other options or a prescription for something REALLY STRONG. So back to "relaxing" I go....oh glorious glorious pain!

Happy Friday to All.